I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
