FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
