she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
