So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
