I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
