I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
