one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
You're a waste of cheezeits
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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