i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
