i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
