If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
FUCK WHALES
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
