What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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