if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
