I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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