Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
