What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Randomize
