i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
