The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
