Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
