I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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