Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
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