just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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