All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
