I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
