u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
