whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
