I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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