I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
