My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
