I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Randomize
