My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
stop calling my apartment porn island.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
