I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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