I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Randomize
