I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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