i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
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