you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
