U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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