Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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