he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
