I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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