Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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