You can't motorboat a personality
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
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