when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
