So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
