look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
