How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
