i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
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