I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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