I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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