The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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