So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
